Imaginary unanswered letter #1

Hey you,
Last night was weird. I said a lot of things and I don't know why I've said them, or why they slipped from my mouth so easily. I have the hability of saying a lot of things that I shouldn't or that maybe will get people hurt, without noticing it. Specially when I'm drunk. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I would hate it if I did. You'll probably have a hard time believing this (especially because you don't think I'm shy at all), but I used to be this really closed person. I had difficulty saying things to my friends, my parents, my brother, the guys I went out. I wasn't able to connect fully, neither to open up. I guess this is why I have this list of crazy nonsensical relationships that only made me weirder when it comes to men. Even when someone was trying to know how I really felt and cared about it, I was unable to speak. Literally. I got tongue-tied. I never told anyone I've been in love with that I was in love. Not using the words. I guess I just switched places completely. Now I'm my evil twin. The world made a 360 degrees turn. I have to say everything now. I have to try it all, because I don't want to regret it anymore. I used to be so scared of hurting others and hurting myself - and I guess this was why I couldn't speak. But then I realised that words are not that important after all. They have weigh only when they're stuck in my throat. Once they get out, they're imaterial. Fugacious. They quickly lose their meaning. Also, they don't only have the meaning you implied, they depend on other people too, people that are hearing are always gonna interpret it a little differently.
This may sound silly, but alcohol changed me in an unbelievable way. Suddenly I could talk to people, I had the guts to do everything - even things I never knew I wanted to do, or was to afraid to admit it. That's why I open up so much, in such absurd ways that I can't even believe I did that. And this for me is not stupid at all. It's amazing. If you know the feeling, then you'll understand. I'll try to describe it to you. All my life everything was always stuck inside of me, all my feelings locked up, along with my own wishes, my own will. And it boiled up for years and years. Until I felt things were so intense - I was in love, I was having this huge life crisis because of employment, studies, etc - that I cried. For hours. In the shoulder of someone I adored so much but couldn't tell. And he said to me "You can't keep everything to yourself, see what happens?". And I decided I wouldn't be like that anymore. I realised that trying not to hurt people and not to hurt myself ended up causing more damage in the end.
I'm sorry that I'm not really, truly, deeply sorry. I can't apologize for who I became. Maybe this self-discovery bulshit doesn't concern you nor the people that surround me. But it's for them to decide whether they stick around or leave. It's freedom - for both sides. I hope you stick around. I understand if you won't. I will be sad. Maybe I'll have second thoughts, thinking that I screwed up. I always torture myself intensely because it seems to me that I'm the one screwing up all the time. Because I'm unstable. Because I want everything at the same time - and I want nothing. Also, I wanted to want a lot of things. I'm really spoiled, 'cause I hardly ever do things I don't want. And I'm always pretty sure about what I want, even though I'm aware it's usually not the best choice.
We've come to a turning point. This is where I tell you that I actually hate myself for being like this. I'm not this strong self-confident girl that is all the time sure of what she's doing. I'm insecure, really. I blame myself all the time. The chains I broke made me drift so far apart from who I was that I don't even recognize myself anymore. Now I'm floating so high up that sometimes it's hard to find something that connects me to life. Being a good person used to mean everything to me: I was a good daughter, a good friend, a good student. I always put other people and their well being ahead of me. That made me feel so good about myself. That entitled me to judge other people, to feel superior, to be the betterman. I can't do this anymore. I can't smother my own will like that. I think it makes people go crazy, it raises blood pressure, it gives people aneurisms, stress conditions - only terrible things. I think maybe you could be one of those people. Don't let this happen to you. Free yourself. Don't say to me that we shouldn't have a good thing together because it's risky. Because you'd feel guilty that we're not in love. Don't limit love like that, like it should be a concept tied up to a dictionary. Love is everything and everywhere, and people should practice it more often. It should have no boundaries, no boarders. Even when I go back to the south hemisphere to watch the sun go down in a warm horizon, while you're already seeing the moon in a dark and cold night; when we don't see each other anymore, when we don't even speak to each other, I will have given you my love somehow. And I'll carry yours with me. I'll be altered by it, I'll have learned and growned because of you. So let's not limit ourselves. Even if we could end up hating each other, even if I hate myself for something I did to you. I promise it will be worth it. Everything is, as long as we're free. Let's find balance together.
Come over tonight. I want to see you. I want to tell you these things face to face,
Me.

Friofome

I needed change. I'm always like this, with this constant need to get away from my own life. I can't express myself fully, as I wished I could, in english. But I don't want my language back. It's also a burden, and I don't want to be stuck. Won't I ever find solid ground in this world?

I look at my friends' pictures. I can't say I don't miss them, and I can't say I do. Now they're in the past, now they're only pictures, those days look golden.

Saudades.
I won't ever understand this feeling, or why I'm able to feel this - and not feel it at the same time. I am hungry and I am cold all the time. But I like this: it's a new state of mind. As if I'm growing,bigger and bigger while the world's getting smaller. (Sometimes I'm afraid I won't fit anywhere else anymore). What feels so good it's that sometimes it seems I could be better - I could become someone like Buddha, or Dostoievski. I could go on hungerstrike, I could write something like "Notes from the underground" and no longer be this needy self-obsessive girl.

No comboio, divagar

Página em branco
Reduto do meu desalento
Lento, lento, vaga o comboio
Quase a flutuar

O tédio em tons pastéis
A noite sem luar
Não me trazem o consolo
Que estou a procurar

Remo, remo, velejando suavemente
Contra as ondas do mar
O embate entre peso e leveza
Segue a me assombrar

A sinfonia que me embala
Já não sei cantarolar
É canto imperfeito dos amantes
Náufragos balbuciantes a nadar

Nada, nada
Conseguem alcançar
(O mar não tem cabelos a agarrar)
É que querem todos - e tudo
Abraçar. Contudo sem veemência
Sem realmente amar
A inconstância de querer tudo
Querer, querer?
Mas não conseguir se apegar


(De tão apegados a esse desapego autoimposto)