Simple(r) girl

I hope you find this girl you're looking for. She's not in me. The girl that will love you less, but will give you more reassurance. The girl that will ask for white wine when you want to go out to grab a beer. The girl that will feel flattered to be owned by her male. That will be crazy to get you to marry her - oh what a great catch! The one that never argues, that only listens to you silently admiring how smart you are. And condescending how arrogant you can be. That will stick by her man. That will never be able to cry in front of you with such deep sadness, because she can't even begin to imagine how to feel as I feel everyday. The one that thinks love is putting someone's heart behind bars - just like you think it is. So you won't smother her with your jealousy. Because she will like it. I hope you feel good about being with her. That you feel enough safety. That you don't feel like you have to threaten her to be with you.

And me?

Oh well, I'll be here, still alone. Alone as I was before, during and after you. With the only real truth in my life: not that I have been loved by you, but that I was - and always will be - alone. Maybe because I'm too proud. Too full of myself. Or maybe it's just exactly what you think it is - that I can't control my pussy. That I want dozens of strangers to fuck me.

I hope you find that girl. But I doubt she will fuck half as good as I do. But that's sad, cause in the end fucking was all that mattered to you. Maybe I would have liked to make love... And it's possible that I never really knew what love is. When it seems like the love I feel is an alien. That it is inadequate. I read once that "love shouldn't ask"... I never understood that quite right. Aren't we supposed to ask our loved ones for what we want from them? I'm sure as hell that love shouldn't blackmail. Love should transcend. Should come and go in waves and make its message clear. But it isn't that way it works, right?

Well, I bet it will be quite easiear with that girl, quite simpler. And that it's possible that you will tell her you never felt that way with anyone else before. I hope so. I hope you will be happy inspite of me. Sorry I couldn't make you happy, I just didn't think I should destroy myself in the process.

"O amor não deve pedir - continuou - nem tampouco exigir. Há de ter a força de chegar em si mesmo à certeza e então passa a atrair em vez de ser atraído (...) Não quero ser uma dádiva, mas uma conquista" (Herman Hesse, "Demian", p.171)